One of my mentees expressed it well when she said, "I just want to dependent again." Feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders, she longs for the comfort of home, parents to care for her and siblings who know and love her for who she is, not what she can do.
I broke down this week. There. I said it. Rebecca, the missionary girl who has all her ducks in a row, who needs Jesus and nothing else in this life, lost it completely on Tuesday at approximately 11:54am. A month straight of work with no real weekend to speak of, failing to take care of myself physically and emotionally, and what do I have to show for it but a nasty cold compounded by sleep deprivation and a decaying tooth in need of a crown. Nice one. It's clear I can't even hold it together.
And it shows in my ministry, too. Students asking me repeatedly if I'm okay, telling me I look awful, tired, or awfully tired. Conversations no longer seem as fruitful as they once were. I can tell interiorly because girls will be in the midst of telling me a story and I realize I've completely tuned them out, continuing to nod with that knowing expression that I can fake so well. It scares me how proficient I am at this and how ignorant they are of what is or isn't going on inside my head. My prayer life, too, has suffered on and off. It's hard to pinpoint because on one hand I'm having to trust more in the Lord as I can feel my life hurtling downward, but at the same time I'm struggling to listen for His voice when I can't even keep my eyes open.
The moral of the story? I'm still in the middle of it, trying to figure it all out, but I think it comes down to the fact that I am not God. I. Am. Not. God. I can save neither myself nor anyone else. Praise Jesus for being my Savior, because I'm doing a lousy job of it on my own.
Well this turned out to be a more depressing post than I anticipated. It sounds like volume one of a two- (or three, or four) part series. I have so much left to work through, but not alone. I've learned that at least, that I am powerless without Him. So let it rain, Lord. Open the floodgates of heaven! Come into my heart today. Pour Your Spirit into me, that I may LIVE.
