What I have noticed over the years is that I can always go deeper -- that even when I believe I have finally reached a full understanding of love, or faith, or trust in God's promise, I have in fact only scratched the surface. And thus you will find me months or years later once again proclaiming to have experienced an epiphany on this same subject.
In high school, I thought I knew how to "save myself" for marriage. I understood only a physical sense of chastity, while my mind and emotions ran wild with diaphanous dreams of my perfect mate.
In college, I abandoned all feminine dignity and discretion (at least in the presence of my journal) and penned heartsick letters to the object(s) of my affections -- a case study in unrequited love.
Then I learned for the first time of emotional chastity, and my life was forever changed. But 5+ years of damage to my heart and mind had yet to be undone. I still pined after young men, and then pined over my poor heart which was no longer permitted to dwell on such matters. The year of my dating fast, I tried desperately to embrace my temporary vocation to the single life of a missionary and to chase away all romantic daydreams and overly friendly thoughts of the opposite sex. And it worked...to an extent.
Coming off the dating fast was another story. The first few months were a torment for me. I realized I had never had a "healthy relationship" with my feminine desires regarding my need to be loved, cared for, and understood. During my fast, I learned the light switch approach -- when thoughts arise, turn them off immediately, no questions asked. This was a temporary fix, but one that was no longer effective once my fast had ended and I had discerned my call to marriage. If God desired for me to one day enter into holy matrimony, casting out all romantic notions of marriage would surely hinder any potential for a relationship that He had planned for me.
And somehow, in the midst of my confusion and distress, God revealed to me His love. That which is greater than any poet could express or any songwriter could put to music. That we even exist is proof of His love, but the truth of the Incarnation greatly surpasses all other gifts we have been given. For God so loved the world...
If I have been so loved, if God has from the first moment of creation chosen me to be His daughter, His littlest missionary, how can I refuse? And it is in this spirit that I no longer complain about my singlehood, sigh over lost loves and forgotten hearts, or glance with jealous eyes at the "perfect" lives of my young married friends. I have been given the perfect life -- a life in Christ. I have joy because I am following His will. I have found fulfillment in Him alone.
I am honored that He has selected me from among many to serve Him in this capacity, to give of my life and my very self in order that others might come to know and love Him. He has granted me the desires of my heart -- to be loved, cared for, understood.
How beautiful that the Church has chosen Isaiah 62 for the Christmas Eve reading:
"You shall be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord will give. You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My delight is in her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you."
"What if the good God wants me? I am His and His only. The rest has no hold on me. I can do without all the rest if I have Him." ~Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
If I have been so loved, if God has from the first moment of creation chosen me to be His daughter, His littlest missionary, how can I refuse? And it is in this spirit that I no longer complain about my singlehood, sigh over lost loves and forgotten hearts, or glance with jealous eyes at the "perfect" lives of my young married friends. I have been given the perfect life -- a life in Christ. I have joy because I am following His will. I have found fulfillment in Him alone.
I am honored that He has selected me from among many to serve Him in this capacity, to give of my life and my very self in order that others might come to know and love Him. He has granted me the desires of my heart -- to be loved, cared for, understood.
How beautiful that the Church has chosen Isaiah 62 for the Christmas Eve reading:
"You shall be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord will give. You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My delight is in her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you."
"What if the good God wants me? I am His and His only. The rest has no hold on me. I can do without all the rest if I have Him." ~Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
