Currently reading...

The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand

I'm about halfway through it and so far it's not the most interesting or inspiring book I've read, but she does make some good points.  I appreciate these quotations:

"The world in which we now live is a world whose outlook is so distorted that we absolutize what is relative and relativize what is absolute."

"A woman's way to holiness is clearly to purify her God-given sensitivity and to direct it into the proper channels.  She should fight against maudlin tears and pray for holy tears - tears of love, of gratitude, of contrition."

"Instead of being offended when reminded of their weakness, supernaturally motivated women are grateful.  To be conscious of one's weakness and to trust in God's help is the way to authentic strength and victory. ... 'Thus does our Lord glorify His infinite power, by crushing Satan's head with what is by nature so weak.'"

This last bit of wisdom is timely, considering my recent ponderings over my own weaknesses.  I'll continue reading and may add more quotations along the way...

Getting adjusted

I am always a dichotomy, it seems.

Yes, I am happy here.  I have a beautiful apartment that feels like home.  I'm working with wonderful, holy people who challenge me to be a better person.  I have enough money to spend on myself, my students, and still more to spare.  I find agriculture and livestock intriguing and can now learn about it directly from farm kids.  I love God and He's allowing me to step back from the real "working world" and use this time for faith and fellowship.

But sometimes I miss home.  I miss my family, my old friends, my church, my easier life.  And don't judge me for this, but I miss having a simpler day-to-day routine where I didn't constantly feel that I had to measure up to the standard that is set for missionaries (and which they sometimes set for themselves).  Sometimes I don't want to be giving of myself, sometimes I want to be grumpy, sometimes I don't feel like engaging in conversation.  Sometimes I don't want a boss and two coworkers who are aware of my daily productivity.

My biggest question is, God, why am I here?  I ask myself this again and again.  I have gifts from God, certainly.  But I wonder if I'm in the wrong ministry and if I wouldn't be more equipped to work in a rectory kitchen, in the parish school's nursery, or at home serving my mother.  I've found it's difficult for me to be outgoing, to meet students, to carry on a conversation, to reach out to strangers.  So why would God place me here?

The best answer that I've been given is, firstly, that I was called:

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.  For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He might be firstborn among many brothers.  And those He predestined He also called; and those He called He also justified; and those He justified He also glorified.  What then shall we say to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:28-31

Since I've been called, it is His responsibility to equip me.  I should have no fear.

Secondly, He chose me rather than a more talented, outgoing, friendly missionary because it is only through my weaknesses that He will carry out His plan.  I am so small and have little to offer.  My only choice is to be still and allow Him to work through me.  This is so difficult.  It is humbling to realize my own poverty and to acknowledge that I am no longer in control of my own life.  I yearn to know His plan for these next few weeks, months, and years, but it is not mine to know.

I know I am changing.  I am becoming aware of my own failures, and it pains me to see them.  I want to have conquered them already.  I want Him to make me holy.

Dearest Jesus, give me patience.  Infuse me with love for you and for your children.  Teach me how to love myself in my littleness.

What He said last night

Love how you love best.  Worship the way that you worship best.  Why do you try to be like others when I created you to be you?

Use the gifts you have been given to do what you do best.  Obey the Church and authorities.  Listen to the counsel of others.  But don't try to become someone other than the beautiful child I have created you to be.

I want you to come just as you are, without pretense or fear.  Do not compare yourself to others.  You are my perfect design, and I love you.

Uncertain times

Only a few days since my move to SDSU and I'm already struggling.  Not regarding the practicals of the job, though I suppose that will come.  I've been grappling with confusion about my spiritual life.  Sometimes I don't feel like growing.  Sometimes I wish I could just be satisfied with complacency, but I know this is wrong.  Today I confronted the issue when talking with our chaplain, and I think I understand it a little better now.

I've fallen into condemnation of my past.  When faced with the witness of missionaries who are holier or have more advanced interior lives, my response typically tends to be extreme.  I first want to be perfect, to make up for "lost" time, and then to surpass them in holiness (pride, I know).  When I realize this is not a humble or even a logical goal, I feel that I've failed and decide to give up.  For me, it's all or nothing.  And this is my mistake.

In other times, times that I was not comparing myself to others, times when I made the independent decision to grow, I was able to chase after God having no expectations for my progress and to then find Him where He was.  Now, I'm trying to control it all according to my schedule, and I'm failing miserably.  Everything I do now seems second best, at least to me.  I feel awkward and ill-fitted for this position and am certainly not advancing spiritually.

God, I want to give You complete direction over my life.  Take all that I am and form me into the missionary You want me to be.  I love You, Lord.

Approaching my new life

I wrote this over a week ago and never published it.

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What a summer this has been.  Graduating from college, immediately to 5 weeks of missionary training, back for 5 weeks of fundraising, and amid that was a wedding and a reunion.  I’m optimistic for the future, looking ahead to my work at SDSU, but so intimidated at the thought of newness and the unknown path that lies before me.  I’ve never liked change, even from the time I was a little girl; I’m told that I cried at the prospect of exchanging our old refrigerator for a new one, simply because it would not be the same.  I’ve grown up since then but still I mourn the loss of the old life, even if the new one promises great opportunity and growth.

I love Severna Park.  I love that I know the surrounding areas, that nothing I would need is farther than a bike ride away.  I love our house – it’s the only home I remember.  I love our parish and the community that I grew up in.  Much as I complain about the humidity, I love that there’s a little of every season in Maryland, my favorite of course being spring.

I love the closeness of my family.  Being a part of my parents’ daily life and yet having the freedom to live semi-independently has been the best of both worlds.  My sister just a short plane ride away, I’m so grateful for those long weekends I can spend at her apartment.  And another benefit of living near home is never being too far away when my brother happens to drop in for a visit.

I’ll miss the atmosphere and the people.  I’ll miss the comfortable feeling of not having to put on an extra-friendly attitude because I can just be myself around those who know me.

I don’t want to start over in a new place.  I don’t want to try to make friends.  I don’t want to feel like I have to impress people.  I don’t want them to know how far I still have to go in my faith journey.

My heart was moved

Praise our God!  Isn't it amazing how He can take a struggle, a difficult day, a discouraged missionary and transform it all through His great love?

Today did not appear, to my human eyes, to be a success.  I felt embarrassed and wanted to quit MPDing after a difficult meeting with a potential partner.  To add to that, my car was accidentally backed into, and I just couldn't face any more money-asking appointments.  Or at least that's how I would have described them earlier today.

I made it through the afternoon, just barely, but was completely exhausted by the end of it and disheartened at the prospect of having to continue in this way for the rest of the summer (let alone the rest of my time with FOCUS!).  Being engaging for an hour-long appointment does not come naturally to me, nor does asking a hardworking family to provide me with a large sum of money on a monthly basis.  I was actually excited to go to my holy hour, at least once I got inside the church and realized that I could lay it all down before Jesus.

I went to pray, but not in a pew this time.  I wanted to be closer, to speak to Him, so I knelt on the marble step of the sanctuary.  For one of the first times this week, I was just me.  Just His little servant, worn-out and sad, sorry for my mistakes, hurting from the troubles I'd experienced.  I asked Him to take away the pain -- this work is so hard, Lord.  And for a while, we just talked.  Mainly I talked, since I am just a beginner in learning how to listen for His still, small voice.

Then He sent me over to His Mother.  Oh, how she cares for us!  I told her everything, and she looked on me with love.

LOVE.  This is what I learned today.  MPD is not about raising money.  It's not about asking people to provide for my financial needs.  It's about my own generosity and charity in sharing the mission with others.  I want to tell them about FOCUS.  I want them to know what good work is being done for college students.  I want them to know of the spiritual poverty in our country and to recognize how important it is to address this tragedy.  I want to give them an opportunity to feed the spiritually hungry.

I came home renewed.  I actually desired to pick up the phone and share the mission with people.  To engage them in a loving conversation.  To express compassion for them and interest in them as individuals and as children of God.

I don't know how long I'll continue feeling this zeal.  I do pray that God will continue renewing and strengthening the desire in my heart to share FOCUS with the world.  Why would I want to keep this a secret?  Jesus is present on every FOCUS campus, in the heart of every missionary, and in all the work that we do.  He is thirsting for His people to come to Him.  How long will you keep Him waiting?

Not what I want

Nothing that I do these days should be for me.  All is for Jesus and for the mission.  I'm realizing that I no longer have the choice of whether or not to be humbled, whether or not to love, whether or not to be generous.  It's all being shoved upon me, and for that I am grateful.  On my own, I am weak.  Left to my own devices, I easily slip into laziness and settling for the easy solution.  But now, I have little say in the matter.  If I want to live on campus, I must raise my salary.  To gather support, I must pick up the phone and schedule appointments.  I must meet people in frequently awkward situations and speak to them about two of the most taboo topics in our culture -- money and religion.  This isn't easy, people!!

What I'm finding in all of this, the unexpected blessing, is that people's willingness to sacrifice in order to support me is actually motivating me to work harder.  Yes, the positive reinforcement encourages me to call, ask, repeat, but even more than that I now feel a responsibility to my on-campus work, to my chain, and to the students at SDSU.

I am inspired by my mission partners.  They make me want to be the missionary that God has called me to be.  Praise God for their generosity and zeal for souls!