I am unworthy. That's an established fact.
I do not deserve my current job, my income, or my leisure time.
I do not deserve perfect health, the talents I've been given, or the family into which I was born.
I especially do not deserve the unconditional love and mercy that I receive every day from Our Lord.
But I have been granted them all.
I'm struggling to understand why I was chosen to receive these graces. I'm wondering about the poor man on the street who begs for each meal, the refugee who has known a lifetime of slavery, the father who works two jobs just to support his family and can never seem to get ahead.
Why was all of this given to me freely? How is it possible that I am now the steward of a monthly salary and my sole duty is to lead college students to Christ? In this very moment, I wish I could live by a vow of poverty.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Just once more
Fairly frequently, it seems, I happen upon what I believe to be a truer understanding of my job. How exactly do you define the position of a FOCUS campus missionary?
We lead Bible studies. Yes, but that's just a tool.
We evangelize on campus, sharing the Gospel with the lost. Yes, but that's just one small part of it.
We mentor students who then in turn can lead others. Getting closer, but actual discipleship only occurs during a few hours of my week.
I think the reason I've been struggling to define it is that it can't be explained in a job description. There aren't particular duties or obligations that make up my day-to-day work. It's more of an idea or a calling...
To love. Unceasingly.
I visited a freshman in her dorm room and helped her to rearrange the furniture.
I gave a girl a ride home after late-night prayer in the chapel.
I invited a girl to our drop by our apartment and offered her homemade brownies.
And amongst all these little offerings of love is conversation. I can give encouragement to the sad and inspiration to the weary. I can bring God to the forefront of their minds.
Finally, and I am reluctant to mention this but feel that it's true, I impact them by my example. I act as a role model to these young women, through my daily habits of prayer, my interactions with others (and with men in particular), and my practice of virtue. I do not mean to imply that I have achieved a level of sainthood by any means, but I have been in their shoes and have grown from there, so it is logical that I may help them in their own faith journey.
We lead Bible studies. Yes, but that's just a tool.
We evangelize on campus, sharing the Gospel with the lost. Yes, but that's just one small part of it.
We mentor students who then in turn can lead others. Getting closer, but actual discipleship only occurs during a few hours of my week.
I think the reason I've been struggling to define it is that it can't be explained in a job description. There aren't particular duties or obligations that make up my day-to-day work. It's more of an idea or a calling...
To love. Unceasingly.
I visited a freshman in her dorm room and helped her to rearrange the furniture.
I gave a girl a ride home after late-night prayer in the chapel.
I invited a girl to our drop by our apartment and offered her homemade brownies.
And amongst all these little offerings of love is conversation. I can give encouragement to the sad and inspiration to the weary. I can bring God to the forefront of their minds.
Finally, and I am reluctant to mention this but feel that it's true, I impact them by my example. I act as a role model to these young women, through my daily habits of prayer, my interactions with others (and with men in particular), and my practice of virtue. I do not mean to imply that I have achieved a level of sainthood by any means, but I have been in their shoes and have grown from there, so it is logical that I may help them in their own faith journey.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Currently reading...
The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand
I'm about halfway through it and so far it's not the most interesting or inspiring book I've read, but she does make some good points. I appreciate these quotations:
"The world in which we now live is a world whose outlook is so distorted that we absolutize what is relative and relativize what is absolute."
"A woman's way to holiness is clearly to purify her God-given sensitivity and to direct it into the proper channels. She should fight against maudlin tears and pray for holy tears - tears of love, of gratitude, of contrition."
"Instead of being offended when reminded of their weakness, supernaturally motivated women are grateful. To be conscious of one's weakness and to trust in God's help is the way to authentic strength and victory. ... 'Thus does our Lord glorify His infinite power, by crushing Satan's head with what is by nature so weak.'"
This last bit of wisdom is timely, considering my recent ponderings over my own weaknesses. I'll continue reading and may add more quotations along the way...
I'm about halfway through it and so far it's not the most interesting or inspiring book I've read, but she does make some good points. I appreciate these quotations:
"The world in which we now live is a world whose outlook is so distorted that we absolutize what is relative and relativize what is absolute."
"A woman's way to holiness is clearly to purify her God-given sensitivity and to direct it into the proper channels. She should fight against maudlin tears and pray for holy tears - tears of love, of gratitude, of contrition."
"Instead of being offended when reminded of their weakness, supernaturally motivated women are grateful. To be conscious of one's weakness and to trust in God's help is the way to authentic strength and victory. ... 'Thus does our Lord glorify His infinite power, by crushing Satan's head with what is by nature so weak.'"
This last bit of wisdom is timely, considering my recent ponderings over my own weaknesses. I'll continue reading and may add more quotations along the way...
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Getting adjusted
I am always a dichotomy, it seems.
Yes, I am happy here. I have a beautiful apartment that feels like home. I'm working with wonderful, holy people who challenge me to be a better person. I have enough money to spend on myself, my students, and still more to spare. I find agriculture and livestock intriguing and can now learn about it directly from farm kids. I love God and He's allowing me to step back from the real "working world" and use this time for faith and fellowship.
But sometimes I miss home. I miss my family, my old friends, my church, my easier life. And don't judge me for this, but I miss having a simpler day-to-day routine where I didn't constantly feel that I had to measure up to the standard that is set for missionaries (and which they sometimes set for themselves). Sometimes I don't want to be giving of myself, sometimes I want to be grumpy, sometimes I don't feel like engaging in conversation. Sometimes I don't want a boss and two coworkers who are aware of my daily productivity.
My biggest question is, God, why am I here? I ask myself this again and again. I have gifts from God, certainly. But I wonder if I'm in the wrong ministry and if I wouldn't be more equipped to work in a rectory kitchen, in the parish school's nursery, or at home serving my mother. I've found it's difficult for me to be outgoing, to meet students, to carry on a conversation, to reach out to strangers. So why would God place me here?
The best answer that I've been given is, firstly, that I was called:
We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He might be firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined He also called; and those He called He also justified; and those He justified He also glorified. What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:28-31
Since I've been called, it is His responsibility to equip me. I should have no fear.
Secondly, He chose me rather than a more talented, outgoing, friendly missionary because it is only through my weaknesses that He will carry out His plan. I am so small and have little to offer. My only choice is to be still and allow Him to work through me. This is so difficult. It is humbling to realize my own poverty and to acknowledge that I am no longer in control of my own life. I yearn to know His plan for these next few weeks, months, and years, but it is not mine to know.
I know I am changing. I am becoming aware of my own failures, and it pains me to see them. I want to have conquered them already. I want Him to make me holy.
Dearest Jesus, give me patience. Infuse me with love for you and for your children. Teach me how to love myself in my littleness.
Yes, I am happy here. I have a beautiful apartment that feels like home. I'm working with wonderful, holy people who challenge me to be a better person. I have enough money to spend on myself, my students, and still more to spare. I find agriculture and livestock intriguing and can now learn about it directly from farm kids. I love God and He's allowing me to step back from the real "working world" and use this time for faith and fellowship.
But sometimes I miss home. I miss my family, my old friends, my church, my easier life. And don't judge me for this, but I miss having a simpler day-to-day routine where I didn't constantly feel that I had to measure up to the standard that is set for missionaries (and which they sometimes set for themselves). Sometimes I don't want to be giving of myself, sometimes I want to be grumpy, sometimes I don't feel like engaging in conversation. Sometimes I don't want a boss and two coworkers who are aware of my daily productivity.
My biggest question is, God, why am I here? I ask myself this again and again. I have gifts from God, certainly. But I wonder if I'm in the wrong ministry and if I wouldn't be more equipped to work in a rectory kitchen, in the parish school's nursery, or at home serving my mother. I've found it's difficult for me to be outgoing, to meet students, to carry on a conversation, to reach out to strangers. So why would God place me here?
The best answer that I've been given is, firstly, that I was called:
We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He might be firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined He also called; and those He called He also justified; and those He justified He also glorified. What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:28-31
Since I've been called, it is His responsibility to equip me. I should have no fear.
Secondly, He chose me rather than a more talented, outgoing, friendly missionary because it is only through my weaknesses that He will carry out His plan. I am so small and have little to offer. My only choice is to be still and allow Him to work through me. This is so difficult. It is humbling to realize my own poverty and to acknowledge that I am no longer in control of my own life. I yearn to know His plan for these next few weeks, months, and years, but it is not mine to know.
I know I am changing. I am becoming aware of my own failures, and it pains me to see them. I want to have conquered them already. I want Him to make me holy.
Dearest Jesus, give me patience. Infuse me with love for you and for your children. Teach me how to love myself in my littleness.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
What He said last night
Love how you love best. Worship the way that you worship best. Why do you try to be like others when I created you to be you?
Use the gifts you have been given to do what you do best. Obey the Church and authorities. Listen to the counsel of others. But don't try to become someone other than the beautiful child I have created you to be.
I want you to come just as you are, without pretense or fear. Do not compare yourself to others. You are my perfect design, and I love you.
Use the gifts you have been given to do what you do best. Obey the Church and authorities. Listen to the counsel of others. But don't try to become someone other than the beautiful child I have created you to be.
I want you to come just as you are, without pretense or fear. Do not compare yourself to others. You are my perfect design, and I love you.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Uncertain times
Only a few days since my move to SDSU and I'm already struggling. Not regarding the practicals of the job, though I suppose that will come. I've been grappling with confusion about my spiritual life. Sometimes I don't feel like growing. Sometimes I wish I could just be satisfied with complacency, but I know this is wrong. Today I confronted the issue when talking with our chaplain, and I think I understand it a little better now.
I've fallen into condemnation of my past. When faced with the witness of missionaries who are holier or have more advanced interior lives, my response typically tends to be extreme. I first want to be perfect, to make up for "lost" time, and then to surpass them in holiness (pride, I know). When I realize this is not a humble or even a logical goal, I feel that I've failed and decide to give up. For me, it's all or nothing. And this is my mistake.
In other times, times that I was not comparing myself to others, times when I made the independent decision to grow, I was able to chase after God having no expectations for my progress and to then find Him where He was. Now, I'm trying to control it all according to my schedule, and I'm failing miserably. Everything I do now seems second best, at least to me. I feel awkward and ill-fitted for this position and am certainly not advancing spiritually.
God, I want to give You complete direction over my life. Take all that I am and form me into the missionary You want me to be. I love You, Lord.
I've fallen into condemnation of my past. When faced with the witness of missionaries who are holier or have more advanced interior lives, my response typically tends to be extreme. I first want to be perfect, to make up for "lost" time, and then to surpass them in holiness (pride, I know). When I realize this is not a humble or even a logical goal, I feel that I've failed and decide to give up. For me, it's all or nothing. And this is my mistake.
In other times, times that I was not comparing myself to others, times when I made the independent decision to grow, I was able to chase after God having no expectations for my progress and to then find Him where He was. Now, I'm trying to control it all according to my schedule, and I'm failing miserably. Everything I do now seems second best, at least to me. I feel awkward and ill-fitted for this position and am certainly not advancing spiritually.
God, I want to give You complete direction over my life. Take all that I am and form me into the missionary You want me to be. I love You, Lord.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Approaching my new life
I wrote this over a week ago and never published it.
**********************************************
What a summer this has been. Graduating from college, immediately to 5 weeks of missionary training, back for 5 weeks of fundraising, and amid that was a wedding and a reunion. I’m optimistic for the future, looking ahead to my work at SDSU, but so intimidated at the thought of newness and the unknown path that lies before me. I’ve never liked change, even from the time I was a little girl; I’m told that I cried at the prospect of exchanging our old refrigerator for a new one, simply because it would not be the same. I’ve grown up since then but still I mourn the loss of the old life, even if the new one promises great opportunity and growth.
I love Severna Park. I love that I know the surrounding areas, that nothing I would need is farther than a bike ride away. I love our house – it’s the only home I remember. I love our parish and the community that I grew up in. Much as I complain about the humidity, I love that there’s a little of every season in Maryland, my favorite of course being spring.
I love the closeness of my family. Being a part of my parents’ daily life and yet having the freedom to live semi-independently has been the best of both worlds. My sister just a short plane ride away, I’m so grateful for those long weekends I can spend at her apartment. And another benefit of living near home is never being too far away when my brother happens to drop in for a visit.
I’ll miss the atmosphere and the people. I’ll miss the comfortable feeling of not having to put on an extra-friendly attitude because I can just be myself around those who know me.
I don’t want to start over in a new place. I don’t want to try to make friends. I don’t want to feel like I have to impress people. I don’t want them to know how far I still have to go in my faith journey.
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