My heart was moved

Praise our God!  Isn't it amazing how He can take a struggle, a difficult day, a discouraged missionary and transform it all through His great love?

Today did not appear, to my human eyes, to be a success.  I felt embarrassed and wanted to quit MPDing after a difficult meeting with a potential partner.  To add to that, my car was accidentally backed into, and I just couldn't face any more money-asking appointments.  Or at least that's how I would have described them earlier today.

I made it through the afternoon, just barely, but was completely exhausted by the end of it and disheartened at the prospect of having to continue in this way for the rest of the summer (let alone the rest of my time with FOCUS!).  Being engaging for an hour-long appointment does not come naturally to me, nor does asking a hardworking family to provide me with a large sum of money on a monthly basis.  I was actually excited to go to my holy hour, at least once I got inside the church and realized that I could lay it all down before Jesus.

I went to pray, but not in a pew this time.  I wanted to be closer, to speak to Him, so I knelt on the marble step of the sanctuary.  For one of the first times this week, I was just me.  Just His little servant, worn-out and sad, sorry for my mistakes, hurting from the troubles I'd experienced.  I asked Him to take away the pain -- this work is so hard, Lord.  And for a while, we just talked.  Mainly I talked, since I am just a beginner in learning how to listen for His still, small voice.

Then He sent me over to His Mother.  Oh, how she cares for us!  I told her everything, and she looked on me with love.

LOVE.  This is what I learned today.  MPD is not about raising money.  It's not about asking people to provide for my financial needs.  It's about my own generosity and charity in sharing the mission with others.  I want to tell them about FOCUS.  I want them to know what good work is being done for college students.  I want them to know of the spiritual poverty in our country and to recognize how important it is to address this tragedy.  I want to give them an opportunity to feed the spiritually hungry.

I came home renewed.  I actually desired to pick up the phone and share the mission with people.  To engage them in a loving conversation.  To express compassion for them and interest in them as individuals and as children of God.

I don't know how long I'll continue feeling this zeal.  I do pray that God will continue renewing and strengthening the desire in my heart to share FOCUS with the world.  Why would I want to keep this a secret?  Jesus is present on every FOCUS campus, in the heart of every missionary, and in all the work that we do.  He is thirsting for His people to come to Him.  How long will you keep Him waiting?

Not what I want

Nothing that I do these days should be for me.  All is for Jesus and for the mission.  I'm realizing that I no longer have the choice of whether or not to be humbled, whether or not to love, whether or not to be generous.  It's all being shoved upon me, and for that I am grateful.  On my own, I am weak.  Left to my own devices, I easily slip into laziness and settling for the easy solution.  But now, I have little say in the matter.  If I want to live on campus, I must raise my salary.  To gather support, I must pick up the phone and schedule appointments.  I must meet people in frequently awkward situations and speak to them about two of the most taboo topics in our culture -- money and religion.  This isn't easy, people!!

What I'm finding in all of this, the unexpected blessing, is that people's willingness to sacrifice in order to support me is actually motivating me to work harder.  Yes, the positive reinforcement encourages me to call, ask, repeat, but even more than that I now feel a responsibility to my on-campus work, to my chain, and to the students at SDSU.

I am inspired by my mission partners.  They make me want to be the missionary that God has called me to be.  Praise God for their generosity and zeal for souls!