What He said last night

Love how you love best.  Worship the way that you worship best.  Why do you try to be like others when I created you to be you?

Use the gifts you have been given to do what you do best.  Obey the Church and authorities.  Listen to the counsel of others.  But don't try to become someone other than the beautiful child I have created you to be.

I want you to come just as you are, without pretense or fear.  Do not compare yourself to others.  You are my perfect design, and I love you.

Uncertain times

Only a few days since my move to SDSU and I'm already struggling.  Not regarding the practicals of the job, though I suppose that will come.  I've been grappling with confusion about my spiritual life.  Sometimes I don't feel like growing.  Sometimes I wish I could just be satisfied with complacency, but I know this is wrong.  Today I confronted the issue when talking with our chaplain, and I think I understand it a little better now.

I've fallen into condemnation of my past.  When faced with the witness of missionaries who are holier or have more advanced interior lives, my response typically tends to be extreme.  I first want to be perfect, to make up for "lost" time, and then to surpass them in holiness (pride, I know).  When I realize this is not a humble or even a logical goal, I feel that I've failed and decide to give up.  For me, it's all or nothing.  And this is my mistake.

In other times, times that I was not comparing myself to others, times when I made the independent decision to grow, I was able to chase after God having no expectations for my progress and to then find Him where He was.  Now, I'm trying to control it all according to my schedule, and I'm failing miserably.  Everything I do now seems second best, at least to me.  I feel awkward and ill-fitted for this position and am certainly not advancing spiritually.

God, I want to give You complete direction over my life.  Take all that I am and form me into the missionary You want me to be.  I love You, Lord.

Approaching my new life

I wrote this over a week ago and never published it.

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What a summer this has been.  Graduating from college, immediately to 5 weeks of missionary training, back for 5 weeks of fundraising, and amid that was a wedding and a reunion.  I’m optimistic for the future, looking ahead to my work at SDSU, but so intimidated at the thought of newness and the unknown path that lies before me.  I’ve never liked change, even from the time I was a little girl; I’m told that I cried at the prospect of exchanging our old refrigerator for a new one, simply because it would not be the same.  I’ve grown up since then but still I mourn the loss of the old life, even if the new one promises great opportunity and growth.

I love Severna Park.  I love that I know the surrounding areas, that nothing I would need is farther than a bike ride away.  I love our house – it’s the only home I remember.  I love our parish and the community that I grew up in.  Much as I complain about the humidity, I love that there’s a little of every season in Maryland, my favorite of course being spring.

I love the closeness of my family.  Being a part of my parents’ daily life and yet having the freedom to live semi-independently has been the best of both worlds.  My sister just a short plane ride away, I’m so grateful for those long weekends I can spend at her apartment.  And another benefit of living near home is never being too far away when my brother happens to drop in for a visit.

I’ll miss the atmosphere and the people.  I’ll miss the comfortable feeling of not having to put on an extra-friendly attitude because I can just be myself around those who know me.

I don’t want to start over in a new place.  I don’t want to try to make friends.  I don’t want to feel like I have to impress people.  I don’t want them to know how far I still have to go in my faith journey.