Only a few days since my move to SDSU and I'm already struggling. Not regarding the practicals of the job, though I suppose that will come. I've been grappling with confusion about my spiritual life. Sometimes I don't feel like growing. Sometimes I wish I could just be satisfied with complacency, but I know this is wrong. Today I confronted the issue when talking with our chaplain, and I think I understand it a little better now.
I've fallen into condemnation of my past. When faced with the witness of missionaries who are holier or have more advanced interior lives, my response typically tends to be extreme. I first want to be perfect, to make up for "lost" time, and then to surpass them in holiness (pride, I know). When I realize this is not a humble or even a logical goal, I feel that I've failed and decide to give up. For me, it's all or nothing. And this is my mistake.
In other times, times that I was not comparing myself to others, times when I made the independent decision to grow, I was able to chase after God having no expectations for my progress and to then find Him where He was. Now, I'm trying to control it all according to my schedule, and I'm failing miserably. Everything I do now seems second best, at least to me. I feel awkward and ill-fitted for this position and am certainly not advancing spiritually.
God, I want to give You complete direction over my life. Take all that I am and form me into the missionary You want me to be. I love You, Lord.
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