Just once more

Fairly frequently, it seems, I happen upon what I believe to be a truer understanding of my job.  How exactly do you define the position of a FOCUS campus missionary?

We lead Bible studies.  Yes, but that's just a tool.
We evangelize on campus, sharing the Gospel with the lost.  Yes, but that's just one small part of it.
We mentor students who then in turn can lead others.  Getting closer, but actual discipleship only occurs during a few hours of my week.

I think the reason I've been struggling to define it is that it can't be explained in a job description.  There aren't particular duties or obligations that make up my day-to-day work.  It's more of an idea or a calling...

To love.  Unceasingly.

I visited a freshman in her dorm room and helped her to rearrange the furniture.

I gave a girl a ride home after late-night prayer in the chapel.

I invited a girl to our drop by our apartment and offered her homemade brownies.

And amongst all these little offerings of love is conversation.  I can give encouragement to the sad and inspiration to the weary.  I can bring God to the forefront of their minds.

Finally, and I am reluctant to mention this but feel that it's true, I impact them by my example.  I act as a role model to these young women, through my daily habits of prayer, my interactions with others (and with men in particular), and my practice of virtue.  I do not mean to imply that I have achieved a level of sainthood by any means, but I have been in their shoes and have grown from there, so it is logical that I may help them in their own faith journey.

Currently reading...

The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand

I'm about halfway through it and so far it's not the most interesting or inspiring book I've read, but she does make some good points.  I appreciate these quotations:

"The world in which we now live is a world whose outlook is so distorted that we absolutize what is relative and relativize what is absolute."

"A woman's way to holiness is clearly to purify her God-given sensitivity and to direct it into the proper channels.  She should fight against maudlin tears and pray for holy tears - tears of love, of gratitude, of contrition."

"Instead of being offended when reminded of their weakness, supernaturally motivated women are grateful.  To be conscious of one's weakness and to trust in God's help is the way to authentic strength and victory. ... 'Thus does our Lord glorify His infinite power, by crushing Satan's head with what is by nature so weak.'"

This last bit of wisdom is timely, considering my recent ponderings over my own weaknesses.  I'll continue reading and may add more quotations along the way...

Getting adjusted

I am always a dichotomy, it seems.

Yes, I am happy here.  I have a beautiful apartment that feels like home.  I'm working with wonderful, holy people who challenge me to be a better person.  I have enough money to spend on myself, my students, and still more to spare.  I find agriculture and livestock intriguing and can now learn about it directly from farm kids.  I love God and He's allowing me to step back from the real "working world" and use this time for faith and fellowship.

But sometimes I miss home.  I miss my family, my old friends, my church, my easier life.  And don't judge me for this, but I miss having a simpler day-to-day routine where I didn't constantly feel that I had to measure up to the standard that is set for missionaries (and which they sometimes set for themselves).  Sometimes I don't want to be giving of myself, sometimes I want to be grumpy, sometimes I don't feel like engaging in conversation.  Sometimes I don't want a boss and two coworkers who are aware of my daily productivity.

My biggest question is, God, why am I here?  I ask myself this again and again.  I have gifts from God, certainly.  But I wonder if I'm in the wrong ministry and if I wouldn't be more equipped to work in a rectory kitchen, in the parish school's nursery, or at home serving my mother.  I've found it's difficult for me to be outgoing, to meet students, to carry on a conversation, to reach out to strangers.  So why would God place me here?

The best answer that I've been given is, firstly, that I was called:

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.  For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He might be firstborn among many brothers.  And those He predestined He also called; and those He called He also justified; and those He justified He also glorified.  What then shall we say to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:28-31

Since I've been called, it is His responsibility to equip me.  I should have no fear.

Secondly, He chose me rather than a more talented, outgoing, friendly missionary because it is only through my weaknesses that He will carry out His plan.  I am so small and have little to offer.  My only choice is to be still and allow Him to work through me.  This is so difficult.  It is humbling to realize my own poverty and to acknowledge that I am no longer in control of my own life.  I yearn to know His plan for these next few weeks, months, and years, but it is not mine to know.

I know I am changing.  I am becoming aware of my own failures, and it pains me to see them.  I want to have conquered them already.  I want Him to make me holy.

Dearest Jesus, give me patience.  Infuse me with love for you and for your children.  Teach me how to love myself in my littleness.