Back in Champaign

And it feels so good!

I've been experiencing a bout of desolation during these first few days of summer training (read: doubting EVERYTHING about my mission work, competency, and calling; feeling NO joy for this ministry).  I kept asking God why?  Why was He making me *suffer* through these months of service?  Why was I alone?  Why was I distressed and so far from everything I loved when everyone else seemed only too happy at the thought of beginning a second year on campus?

In an epic 2.5 hour stretch of prayer, I poured it all out to God, and He accepted it all without a word.  He was quiet, patient with me, letting me complain and cry and feel sorry for myself.  And then He explained why...

I am not a missionary for my own joy or personal gain, at least not in a literal sense.  I've had high points, low points, and everything in between.  But I'm not here for the job description as written.  Rather, it's what He writes between the lines that matters.

My time on the mission field is a spiritual journey of healing and growth.  As a flawed human, there are many virtues I fail to live out and wounds from my past that still haunt me.  He is God, of course, and could bring me to a state of perfection in a moment.  But He chooses instead to walk beside me, to allow me to grow slowly and painfully at times, to share in every joy and carry me through every trial.

In just one year of mission work, I have been healed in profound ways and have found my identity in Christ.  This is no small matter.  He has made ALL things work together for my good.

As with the paralytic, Jesus is more concerned with matters of the soul than with my physical, external self.  He healed the paralyzed man but only after forgiving his sins.  Our Lord wants to make me whole  in spirit, that I might know Him more fully, love Him and serve Him.  He is leading me on the path to sainthood, and any sufferings I may encounter along the way I now count as joys, for they are nothing compared to the goodness of heaven that is to come.

And so He asks me, "Are you willing to continue on this journey, to pick up your cross once again and follow Me?"  Yes, Lord, I will follow You.  Always.

Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever!

Divine appointments

I am certain He does this on purpose.  You can't convince me otherwise.  You can't tell me it was just coincidental that a secular Carmelite who prays for religious and young people's vocations just happened to be passing through Nashville, to attend morning Mass at St. Joseph's (at the advice of hotel staff), to see me after Mass and feel that she had to come over and ask how she could pray for me.

Or that the same morning, I would be falling more in love with Jesus, noting the Dominican sisters attending Mass with their students, and having anxiety about my discernment to pursue marriage rather than religious life.

The best part is, this is #2 in a series.  Two years ago, when I was more deeply enmeshed in vocational anxiety (and believed that the only way to pursue holiness and have a truly profound relationship with Jesus was to be a religious sister), I had my first encounter with a secular Carmelite.  Doors began opening before me.  I had no idea you could be married with a family and still be so radically alive in your Faith.

He has filled me with joy in every possible way.  I am in awe of His presence and His plan as it unfolds before me.  I am incomparably and undeservedly blessed.

Count it all as joy

It's hard to believe it was just over a year ago that I graduated from college and set off to Champaign to begin training as a new missionary.  I was scared.  Excited.  Tentative.  Eager to learn all that I could, to soak up knowledge and wisdom from the older, experienced missionaries.  I recall at my interview weekend being told that your first year will transform you.  No, all FOCUS missionaries are not saints, apologists, or evangelists from the cradle.  It's during that year of hardship, trials, and suffering that you learn trust and dependence on Jesus.  "Praise the Lord" isn't necessarily a catchphrase for all of us, at least not from the moment we step onto campus.  But in time you realize that all praise truly is due to Him and that nothing in this life would be possible without Him.

It's glorious to think about returning to Champaign this summer.  Everything about me has changed.  It will be so, so good to see friends again and to share stories of this past year -- how God has worked in our lives; how we have grown in His image.

The funny thing is how quickly the time goes.  Many potential missionaries worry about the two-year commitment.  My advice for them is simple: don't even consider it.  Yes, there were days that seemed to drag on forever, weeks when I felt like it was all I could do to keep pushing forward.  But all of a sudden, it is over, and I wouldn't take it back.  Not for a six-digit salary.  Not for a year of romance.  Not for anything.

"I am His and His only.  The rest has no hold on me.  I can do without all the rest if I have Him." ~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta