Back in Champaign

And it feels so good!

I've been experiencing a bout of desolation during these first few days of summer training (read: doubting EVERYTHING about my mission work, competency, and calling; feeling NO joy for this ministry).  I kept asking God why?  Why was He making me *suffer* through these months of service?  Why was I alone?  Why was I distressed and so far from everything I loved when everyone else seemed only too happy at the thought of beginning a second year on campus?

In an epic 2.5 hour stretch of prayer, I poured it all out to God, and He accepted it all without a word.  He was quiet, patient with me, letting me complain and cry and feel sorry for myself.  And then He explained why...

I am not a missionary for my own joy or personal gain, at least not in a literal sense.  I've had high points, low points, and everything in between.  But I'm not here for the job description as written.  Rather, it's what He writes between the lines that matters.

My time on the mission field is a spiritual journey of healing and growth.  As a flawed human, there are many virtues I fail to live out and wounds from my past that still haunt me.  He is God, of course, and could bring me to a state of perfection in a moment.  But He chooses instead to walk beside me, to allow me to grow slowly and painfully at times, to share in every joy and carry me through every trial.

In just one year of mission work, I have been healed in profound ways and have found my identity in Christ.  This is no small matter.  He has made ALL things work together for my good.

As with the paralytic, Jesus is more concerned with matters of the soul than with my physical, external self.  He healed the paralyzed man but only after forgiving his sins.  Our Lord wants to make me whole  in spirit, that I might know Him more fully, love Him and serve Him.  He is leading me on the path to sainthood, and any sufferings I may encounter along the way I now count as joys, for they are nothing compared to the goodness of heaven that is to come.

And so He asks me, "Are you willing to continue on this journey, to pick up your cross once again and follow Me?"  Yes, Lord, I will follow You.  Always.

Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever!