Restless spirit

I'm missing a dear friend.  He's closer than a brother, he's hundreds of miles away, and I don't know when I'll next see him.  In fact, given his current vocational discernment, it's likely that he'll join a religious order in the next few years and move out of the country, postponing our next meeting until we get to heaven.

That's a terribly sad truth that I'm trying to grapple with as I simultaneously attempt to figure out my foggy future.  I believe this next year will be my last as a FOCUS missionary.  I love the apostolate and greatly appreciate all it has done for me, and hats off to all those "lifers" who intend to continue this as their permanent vocation.  It is not mine.  I am made for relationship, firstly with my Lord but also within the context of a family.  I can feel God preparing my heart for marriage and having children.  It is nearly impossible for me to be patient in this moment, when all I want to do is dive into that messy and beautiful life.

I struggle with trusting Him, but isn't our God wise?  He gives me no other option but to sink or swim.  I can either melt into a pit of anxiety, trying to control everything in my grasp, or I can allow Him to be the Master Architect of my future.

For the past few weeks, I've chosen the former, and I've been slowly but steadily sinking.  O Lord, give me the strength to choose to trust You.  Because I need to.  Because You have asked me to.

Jesus, I trust in YOU!!!