For the past few days I've been in a little bit of a funk. Not understanding why, I tried to analyze all the possible factors, the most plausible being that training ends this week. I realized that I'm frightened to be going so far away from home, to a place I know almost nothing about, with people I met only last month. I was begging Jesus last night, asking why He would send me so far from my family who I love so dearly. I shouldn't have been surprised, then, when I ran into Beth and Josh in the stairwell on my way up to bed. They'll be on a campus just two hours away from me and were reassuring me about everything, so I was somewhat comforted.
In my holy hour this morning, I felt prompted to read Psalm 34, which turns out to be none other than the one quoted on my name plaque -- "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." Again, I shouldn't be surprised when the Spirit moves, but this was the perfect reading because it addressed my need for reassurance and also reminded me not to keep my mind turned inward toward myself. To Him be the honor and the glory forever!
At praise and worship tonight, I was able to let go of some anxieties about my placement. We sang "Lay It Down," which of course speaks to the heart of any missionary or discerning soul.
Everything I am,
Everything I long to be,
I lay it down
At Your feet.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Not easy
Today's Gospel from Matthew was so applicable to my recent worries. Actually, almost every day of training seems to have Mass readings that apply perfectly to the challenges and lessons involved in missionary work. Or maybe it's just that I'm learning how to listen.
The Gospel was from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. It's a common parable - the story of the house built on sand and the house built on rock. In the past I've always focused on those differences between them, but tonight I realized how they are similar. Regardless of their foundation, both are afflicted by the elements. In both cases, "the rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house." Neither home is prevented from these trials. It reminds me of a earlier passage which says that God "sends rain on the just and on the unjust." We are not protected from suffering by virtue of our efforts, by our holiness, or by our trust in the Lord.
Assessing the past few weeks of my own life, it's as though I expected that difficulties would cease as I grew closer to God. He loves me as a beloved daughter -- surely He would protect me from trouble? How presumptuous I am. For Jesus clearly says to His disciples, "In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:33)
The difficulties that I face are not a sign of God's abandonment. He is always near to me and guards me from sin, but He often allows me to experience trouble, that I may remember both my littleness and my dependence on Him. Father, watch over Your child, for I am weak.
The Gospel was from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. It's a common parable - the story of the house built on sand and the house built on rock. In the past I've always focused on those differences between them, but tonight I realized how they are similar. Regardless of their foundation, both are afflicted by the elements. In both cases, "the rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house." Neither home is prevented from these trials. It reminds me of a earlier passage which says that God "sends rain on the just and on the unjust." We are not protected from suffering by virtue of our efforts, by our holiness, or by our trust in the Lord.
Assessing the past few weeks of my own life, it's as though I expected that difficulties would cease as I grew closer to God. He loves me as a beloved daughter -- surely He would protect me from trouble? How presumptuous I am. For Jesus clearly says to His disciples, "In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:33)
The difficulties that I face are not a sign of God's abandonment. He is always near to me and guards me from sin, but He often allows me to experience trouble, that I may remember both my littleness and my dependence on Him. Father, watch over Your child, for I am weak.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
God's living Word
This concept of the Bible as living is something new to me. I had been taught, of course, that it is the inspired Word of God, that it was breathed by the Holy Spirit into those who wrote it. But it is also living in the sense that God can speak to us through the Bible in a personal way and in a way that applies to our present life. This is why you can read the Bible every day and could even meditate on a passage countless times and always find something new. A few missionaries have brought up this passage in their lectures, emphasizing the effectiveness of Bible studies in transforming the lives of students:
For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and return not thither but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from my mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and prosper in the thing for which I sent it. - Isaiah 55:10-11
Thus, students will be transformed not because of the wisdom that we give them or our ability to facilitate a Bible study, but because they are receiving the living Word of God. My job then becomes one of prayer - asking the Holy Spirit to touch the hearts of the students - and openness to hearing the words of the Spirit and speaking in the way He moves me.
Above all, I am learning to give God control. Up til now, it seems, I have had a death grip on the steering wheel -- now I'm pleading with Him to take it from me. My plan is imperfect, while His is perfect.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:9
For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and return not thither but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from my mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and prosper in the thing for which I sent it. - Isaiah 55:10-11
Thus, students will be transformed not because of the wisdom that we give them or our ability to facilitate a Bible study, but because they are receiving the living Word of God. My job then becomes one of prayer - asking the Holy Spirit to touch the hearts of the students - and openness to hearing the words of the Spirit and speaking in the way He moves me.
Above all, I am learning to give God control. Up til now, it seems, I have had a death grip on the steering wheel -- now I'm pleading with Him to take it from me. My plan is imperfect, while His is perfect.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:9
Friday, June 10, 2011
Meeting Him
I met Jesus tonight. He is real. I came to visit Him and discovered that, although I have many times offered Him all my love and my heart, I may never have truly accepted His love for me. It's far too generous of a gift and I am so unworthy. Elizabeth must have felt the same - "Who am I, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?" His presence is overwhelming. To realize that He is truly physically present - the King of Kings and Lord of Lords - only a few feet away from me is beyond my comprehension. Why would He come to us? Why does He love us?
Sometimes it seems that we should be strictly on our knees - or prostrate - in His presence. And yet, Jesus' disciples sat at His feet. They walked and talked and dined with Him. As I struggled with this, for He is my Savior and Master, I heard His words from Scripture - "I call you friend." Jesus does not consider us as slaves. We owe Him all adoration and praise but must also receive His love for us.
In today's homily, Father reminded us that life is about love and that we love God, but even more importantly, that God loved us first. (1 John 4:15) This will never stop amazing me.
Jesus, teach me to love others as You have first loved us.
Sometimes it seems that we should be strictly on our knees - or prostrate - in His presence. And yet, Jesus' disciples sat at His feet. They walked and talked and dined with Him. As I struggled with this, for He is my Savior and Master, I heard His words from Scripture - "I call you friend." Jesus does not consider us as slaves. We owe Him all adoration and praise but must also receive His love for us.
In today's homily, Father reminded us that life is about love and that we love God, but even more importantly, that God loved us first. (1 John 4:15) This will never stop amazing me.
Jesus, teach me to love others as You have first loved us.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hearing God through others
I received some wise words today from a meeting with my chaplain and team director. Fr. Andrew's advice to me was to pray that I might learn to abide in God's love. Let me assure you, this sounds much simpler than it is.
I told them that, even with the knowledge that God has called me to this position, I fear failure. Fr. Andrew assured me that I will indeed fail, as do all missionaries, and he gave me permission to "fail big," provided that I remain faithful.
Finally, Glen suggested that he senses I need to learn to be vulnerable, both as a team member and in my relationships with students. This goes hand-in-hand with my lack of trust in others and in God. Not abandoning yourself completely to the Lord can be dangerous in the life of a missionary, even financially. If I try to raise funds on my own, relying on "my" gifts and talents, I will fall short. It is only when I begin to trust in my Father's unconditional love and desire to provide for me and recognize that all good gifts come from Him that I will bear fruit.
I told them that, even with the knowledge that God has called me to this position, I fear failure. Fr. Andrew assured me that I will indeed fail, as do all missionaries, and he gave me permission to "fail big," provided that I remain faithful.
Finally, Glen suggested that he senses I need to learn to be vulnerable, both as a team member and in my relationships with students. This goes hand-in-hand with my lack of trust in others and in God. Not abandoning yourself completely to the Lord can be dangerous in the life of a missionary, even financially. If I try to raise funds on my own, relying on "my" gifts and talents, I will fall short. It is only when I begin to trust in my Father's unconditional love and desire to provide for me and recognize that all good gifts come from Him that I will bear fruit.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Night prayers
Tonight I was literally sitting at His feet. I went to the chapel with a stack of books, intending to read and journal, but instead I just poured out my heart to Him. And He listened.
It was almost as if I'd never talked to Him before. Others came in and out of the chapel, but I sat there in front of the first row of pews, just being near to Him.
I can't be any missionary other than myself. I have unique gifts given to me by the Father that He intends for me to use in His service, but I won't accomplish this if I try to fill the shoes of another. My job is just to love God and to share that love with others, and this I can do regardless of my knowledge, wisdom, and talents. Our world needs men and women of good character, formed in virtue. That is my aim.
I can do all things in Him who strengthens me. ~Philippians 4:13
It was almost as if I'd never talked to Him before. Others came in and out of the chapel, but I sat there in front of the first row of pews, just being near to Him.
I can't be any missionary other than myself. I have unique gifts given to me by the Father that He intends for me to use in His service, but I won't accomplish this if I try to fill the shoes of another. My job is just to love God and to share that love with others, and this I can do regardless of my knowledge, wisdom, and talents. Our world needs men and women of good character, formed in virtue. That is my aim.
I can do all things in Him who strengthens me. ~Philippians 4:13
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