Just once more

Fairly frequently, it seems, I happen upon what I believe to be a truer understanding of my job.  How exactly do you define the position of a FOCUS campus missionary?

We lead Bible studies.  Yes, but that's just a tool.
We evangelize on campus, sharing the Gospel with the lost.  Yes, but that's just one small part of it.
We mentor students who then in turn can lead others.  Getting closer, but actual discipleship only occurs during a few hours of my week.

I think the reason I've been struggling to define it is that it can't be explained in a job description.  There aren't particular duties or obligations that make up my day-to-day work.  It's more of an idea or a calling...

To love.  Unceasingly.

I visited a freshman in her dorm room and helped her to rearrange the furniture.

I gave a girl a ride home after late-night prayer in the chapel.

I invited a girl to our drop by our apartment and offered her homemade brownies.

And amongst all these little offerings of love is conversation.  I can give encouragement to the sad and inspiration to the weary.  I can bring God to the forefront of their minds.

Finally, and I am reluctant to mention this but feel that it's true, I impact them by my example.  I act as a role model to these young women, through my daily habits of prayer, my interactions with others (and with men in particular), and my practice of virtue.  I do not mean to imply that I have achieved a level of sainthood by any means, but I have been in their shoes and have grown from there, so it is logical that I may help them in their own faith journey.

Currently reading...

The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand

I'm about halfway through it and so far it's not the most interesting or inspiring book I've read, but she does make some good points.  I appreciate these quotations:

"The world in which we now live is a world whose outlook is so distorted that we absolutize what is relative and relativize what is absolute."

"A woman's way to holiness is clearly to purify her God-given sensitivity and to direct it into the proper channels.  She should fight against maudlin tears and pray for holy tears - tears of love, of gratitude, of contrition."

"Instead of being offended when reminded of their weakness, supernaturally motivated women are grateful.  To be conscious of one's weakness and to trust in God's help is the way to authentic strength and victory. ... 'Thus does our Lord glorify His infinite power, by crushing Satan's head with what is by nature so weak.'"

This last bit of wisdom is timely, considering my recent ponderings over my own weaknesses.  I'll continue reading and may add more quotations along the way...

Getting adjusted

I am always a dichotomy, it seems.

Yes, I am happy here.  I have a beautiful apartment that feels like home.  I'm working with wonderful, holy people who challenge me to be a better person.  I have enough money to spend on myself, my students, and still more to spare.  I find agriculture and livestock intriguing and can now learn about it directly from farm kids.  I love God and He's allowing me to step back from the real "working world" and use this time for faith and fellowship.

But sometimes I miss home.  I miss my family, my old friends, my church, my easier life.  And don't judge me for this, but I miss having a simpler day-to-day routine where I didn't constantly feel that I had to measure up to the standard that is set for missionaries (and which they sometimes set for themselves).  Sometimes I don't want to be giving of myself, sometimes I want to be grumpy, sometimes I don't feel like engaging in conversation.  Sometimes I don't want a boss and two coworkers who are aware of my daily productivity.

My biggest question is, God, why am I here?  I ask myself this again and again.  I have gifts from God, certainly.  But I wonder if I'm in the wrong ministry and if I wouldn't be more equipped to work in a rectory kitchen, in the parish school's nursery, or at home serving my mother.  I've found it's difficult for me to be outgoing, to meet students, to carry on a conversation, to reach out to strangers.  So why would God place me here?

The best answer that I've been given is, firstly, that I was called:

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.  For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He might be firstborn among many brothers.  And those He predestined He also called; and those He called He also justified; and those He justified He also glorified.  What then shall we say to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:28-31

Since I've been called, it is His responsibility to equip me.  I should have no fear.

Secondly, He chose me rather than a more talented, outgoing, friendly missionary because it is only through my weaknesses that He will carry out His plan.  I am so small and have little to offer.  My only choice is to be still and allow Him to work through me.  This is so difficult.  It is humbling to realize my own poverty and to acknowledge that I am no longer in control of my own life.  I yearn to know His plan for these next few weeks, months, and years, but it is not mine to know.

I know I am changing.  I am becoming aware of my own failures, and it pains me to see them.  I want to have conquered them already.  I want Him to make me holy.

Dearest Jesus, give me patience.  Infuse me with love for you and for your children.  Teach me how to love myself in my littleness.

What He said last night

Love how you love best.  Worship the way that you worship best.  Why do you try to be like others when I created you to be you?

Use the gifts you have been given to do what you do best.  Obey the Church and authorities.  Listen to the counsel of others.  But don't try to become someone other than the beautiful child I have created you to be.

I want you to come just as you are, without pretense or fear.  Do not compare yourself to others.  You are my perfect design, and I love you.

Uncertain times

Only a few days since my move to SDSU and I'm already struggling.  Not regarding the practicals of the job, though I suppose that will come.  I've been grappling with confusion about my spiritual life.  Sometimes I don't feel like growing.  Sometimes I wish I could just be satisfied with complacency, but I know this is wrong.  Today I confronted the issue when talking with our chaplain, and I think I understand it a little better now.

I've fallen into condemnation of my past.  When faced with the witness of missionaries who are holier or have more advanced interior lives, my response typically tends to be extreme.  I first want to be perfect, to make up for "lost" time, and then to surpass them in holiness (pride, I know).  When I realize this is not a humble or even a logical goal, I feel that I've failed and decide to give up.  For me, it's all or nothing.  And this is my mistake.

In other times, times that I was not comparing myself to others, times when I made the independent decision to grow, I was able to chase after God having no expectations for my progress and to then find Him where He was.  Now, I'm trying to control it all according to my schedule, and I'm failing miserably.  Everything I do now seems second best, at least to me.  I feel awkward and ill-fitted for this position and am certainly not advancing spiritually.

God, I want to give You complete direction over my life.  Take all that I am and form me into the missionary You want me to be.  I love You, Lord.

Approaching my new life

I wrote this over a week ago and never published it.

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What a summer this has been.  Graduating from college, immediately to 5 weeks of missionary training, back for 5 weeks of fundraising, and amid that was a wedding and a reunion.  I’m optimistic for the future, looking ahead to my work at SDSU, but so intimidated at the thought of newness and the unknown path that lies before me.  I’ve never liked change, even from the time I was a little girl; I’m told that I cried at the prospect of exchanging our old refrigerator for a new one, simply because it would not be the same.  I’ve grown up since then but still I mourn the loss of the old life, even if the new one promises great opportunity and growth.

I love Severna Park.  I love that I know the surrounding areas, that nothing I would need is farther than a bike ride away.  I love our house – it’s the only home I remember.  I love our parish and the community that I grew up in.  Much as I complain about the humidity, I love that there’s a little of every season in Maryland, my favorite of course being spring.

I love the closeness of my family.  Being a part of my parents’ daily life and yet having the freedom to live semi-independently has been the best of both worlds.  My sister just a short plane ride away, I’m so grateful for those long weekends I can spend at her apartment.  And another benefit of living near home is never being too far away when my brother happens to drop in for a visit.

I’ll miss the atmosphere and the people.  I’ll miss the comfortable feeling of not having to put on an extra-friendly attitude because I can just be myself around those who know me.

I don’t want to start over in a new place.  I don’t want to try to make friends.  I don’t want to feel like I have to impress people.  I don’t want them to know how far I still have to go in my faith journey.

My heart was moved

Praise our God!  Isn't it amazing how He can take a struggle, a difficult day, a discouraged missionary and transform it all through His great love?

Today did not appear, to my human eyes, to be a success.  I felt embarrassed and wanted to quit MPDing after a difficult meeting with a potential partner.  To add to that, my car was accidentally backed into, and I just couldn't face any more money-asking appointments.  Or at least that's how I would have described them earlier today.

I made it through the afternoon, just barely, but was completely exhausted by the end of it and disheartened at the prospect of having to continue in this way for the rest of the summer (let alone the rest of my time with FOCUS!).  Being engaging for an hour-long appointment does not come naturally to me, nor does asking a hardworking family to provide me with a large sum of money on a monthly basis.  I was actually excited to go to my holy hour, at least once I got inside the church and realized that I could lay it all down before Jesus.

I went to pray, but not in a pew this time.  I wanted to be closer, to speak to Him, so I knelt on the marble step of the sanctuary.  For one of the first times this week, I was just me.  Just His little servant, worn-out and sad, sorry for my mistakes, hurting from the troubles I'd experienced.  I asked Him to take away the pain -- this work is so hard, Lord.  And for a while, we just talked.  Mainly I talked, since I am just a beginner in learning how to listen for His still, small voice.

Then He sent me over to His Mother.  Oh, how she cares for us!  I told her everything, and she looked on me with love.

LOVE.  This is what I learned today.  MPD is not about raising money.  It's not about asking people to provide for my financial needs.  It's about my own generosity and charity in sharing the mission with others.  I want to tell them about FOCUS.  I want them to know what good work is being done for college students.  I want them to know of the spiritual poverty in our country and to recognize how important it is to address this tragedy.  I want to give them an opportunity to feed the spiritually hungry.

I came home renewed.  I actually desired to pick up the phone and share the mission with people.  To engage them in a loving conversation.  To express compassion for them and interest in them as individuals and as children of God.

I don't know how long I'll continue feeling this zeal.  I do pray that God will continue renewing and strengthening the desire in my heart to share FOCUS with the world.  Why would I want to keep this a secret?  Jesus is present on every FOCUS campus, in the heart of every missionary, and in all the work that we do.  He is thirsting for His people to come to Him.  How long will you keep Him waiting?

Not what I want

Nothing that I do these days should be for me.  All is for Jesus and for the mission.  I'm realizing that I no longer have the choice of whether or not to be humbled, whether or not to love, whether or not to be generous.  It's all being shoved upon me, and for that I am grateful.  On my own, I am weak.  Left to my own devices, I easily slip into laziness and settling for the easy solution.  But now, I have little say in the matter.  If I want to live on campus, I must raise my salary.  To gather support, I must pick up the phone and schedule appointments.  I must meet people in frequently awkward situations and speak to them about two of the most taboo topics in our culture -- money and religion.  This isn't easy, people!!

What I'm finding in all of this, the unexpected blessing, is that people's willingness to sacrifice in order to support me is actually motivating me to work harder.  Yes, the positive reinforcement encourages me to call, ask, repeat, but even more than that I now feel a responsibility to my on-campus work, to my chain, and to the students at SDSU.

I am inspired by my mission partners.  They make me want to be the missionary that God has called me to be.  Praise God for their generosity and zeal for souls!

O ye of little faith

For the past few days I've been in a little bit of a funk.   Not understanding why, I tried to analyze all the possible factors, the most plausible being that training ends this week.  I realized that I'm frightened to be going so far away from home, to a place I know almost nothing about, with people I met only last month.  I was begging Jesus last night, asking why He would send me so far from my family who I love so dearly.  I shouldn't have been surprised, then, when I ran into Beth and Josh in the stairwell on my way up to bed.  They'll be on a campus just two hours away from me and were reassuring me about everything, so I was somewhat comforted.

In my holy hour this morning, I felt prompted to read Psalm 34, which turns out to be none other than the one quoted on my name plaque -- "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth."  Again, I shouldn't be surprised when the Spirit moves, but this was the perfect reading because it addressed my need for reassurance and also reminded me not to keep my mind turned inward toward myself.  To Him be the honor and the glory forever!

At praise and worship tonight, I was able to let go of some anxieties about my placement.  We sang "Lay It Down," which of course speaks to the heart of any missionary or discerning soul.

Everything I am,
Everything I long to be,
I lay it down
At Your feet.

Not easy

Today's Gospel from Matthew was so applicable to my recent worries.  Actually, almost every day of training seems to have Mass readings that apply perfectly to the challenges and lessons involved in missionary work.  Or maybe it's just that I'm learning how to listen.

The Gospel was from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.  It's a common parable - the story of the house built on sand and the house built on rock.  In the past I've always focused on those differences between them, but tonight I realized how they are similar.  Regardless of their foundation, both are afflicted by the elements.  In both cases, "the rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house."  Neither home is prevented from these trials.  It reminds me of a earlier passage which says that God "sends rain on the just and on the unjust."  We are not protected from suffering by virtue of our efforts, by our holiness, or by our trust in the Lord.

Assessing the past few weeks of my own life, it's as though I expected that difficulties would cease as I grew closer to God.  He loves me as a beloved daughter -- surely He would protect me from trouble?  How presumptuous I am.  For Jesus clearly says to His disciples, "In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:33)

The difficulties that I face are not a sign of God's abandonment.  He is always near to me and guards me from sin, but He often allows me to experience trouble, that I may remember both my littleness and my dependence on Him.  Father, watch over Your child, for I am weak.

God's living Word

This concept of the Bible as living is something new to me.  I had been taught, of course, that it is the inspired Word of God, that it was breathed by the Holy Spirit into those who wrote it.  But it is also living in the sense that God can speak to us through the Bible in a personal way and in a way that applies to our present life.  This is why you can read the Bible every day and could even meditate on a passage countless times and always find something new.  A few missionaries have brought up this passage in their lectures, emphasizing the effectiveness of Bible studies in transforming the lives of students:

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and return not thither but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from my mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and prosper in the thing for which I sent it. - Isaiah 55:10-11

Thus, students will be transformed not because of the wisdom that we give them or our ability to facilitate a Bible study, but because they are receiving the living Word of God.  My job then becomes one of prayer - asking the Holy Spirit to touch the hearts of the students - and openness to hearing the words of the Spirit and speaking in the way He moves me.

Above all, I am learning to give God control.  Up til now, it seems, I have had a death grip on the steering wheel -- now I'm pleading with Him to take it from me.  My plan is imperfect, while His is perfect.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:9

Meeting Him

I met Jesus tonight.  He is real.  I came to visit Him and discovered that, although I have many times offered Him all my love and my heart, I may never have truly accepted His love for me.  It's far too generous of a gift and I am so unworthy.  Elizabeth must have felt the same - "Who am I, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?"  His presence is overwhelming.  To realize that He is truly physically present - the King of Kings and Lord of Lords - only a few feet away from me is beyond my comprehension.  Why would He come to us?  Why does He love us?

Sometimes it seems that we should be strictly on our knees - or prostrate - in His presence.  And yet, Jesus' disciples sat at His feet.  They walked and talked and dined with Him.  As I struggled with this, for He is my Savior and Master, I heard His words from Scripture - "I call you friend."  Jesus does not consider us as slaves.  We owe Him all adoration and praise but must also receive His love for us.

In today's homily, Father reminded us that life is about love and that we love God, but even more importantly, that God loved us first. (1 John 4:15) This will never stop amazing me.

Jesus, teach me to love others as You have first loved us.

Hearing God through others

I received some wise words today from a meeting with my chaplain and team director.  Fr. Andrew's advice to me was to pray that I might learn to abide in God's love.  Let me assure you, this sounds much simpler than it is.

I told them that, even with the knowledge that God has called me to this position, I fear failure.  Fr. Andrew assured me that I will indeed fail, as do all missionaries, and he gave me permission to "fail big," provided that I remain faithful.

Finally, Glen suggested that he senses I need to learn to be vulnerable, both as a team member and in my relationships with students.  This goes hand-in-hand with my lack of trust in others and in God.  Not abandoning yourself completely to the Lord can be dangerous in the life of a missionary, even financially.  If I try to raise funds on my own, relying on "my" gifts and talents, I will fall short.  It is only when I begin to trust in my Father's unconditional love and desire to provide for me and recognize that all good gifts come from Him that I will bear fruit.

Night prayers

Tonight I was literally sitting at His feet.  I went to the chapel with a stack of books, intending to read and journal, but instead I just poured out my heart to Him.  And He listened.

It was almost as if I'd never talked to Him before.  Others came in and out of the chapel, but I sat there in front of the first row of pews, just being near to Him.

I can't be any missionary other than myself.  I have unique gifts given to me by the Father that He intends for me to use in His service, but I won't accomplish this if I try to fill the shoes of another.  My job is just to love God and to share that love with others, and this I can do regardless of my knowledge, wisdom, and talents.  Our world needs men and women of good character, formed in virtue.  That is my aim.

I can do all things in Him who strengthens me. ~Philippians 4:13

The hard road to holiness

I've always chosen to do easy things in which I knew I could succeed.  I've always hated disappointment, failure, and coming in second to my own personal best.  I'm a hard worker and have in the past always attributed my success both to my work and to my intelligence.  I've always considered myself smart.

Now, all that is turned upside down.  I am no longer the best or the most learned.  Not only is my foolish pride set on display for all to see, but I also realize, now that I am faced with something I cannot easily achieve or conquer, that none of those successes were mine at all. Not only are earthly accomplishments meaningless, but I cannot even take credit for them.  Not for my intellect, talent, skill, knowledge, or abilities.  It is all His and by His grace and nothing less.  To Him be the glory.

And so it now becomes clear: first, that the pursuit of holiness is not something for which I can have a natural aptitude.  It is a lifelong lesson which I must practice.  But I do not run this course alone.  Just as my God has given me all those other gifts and graces, so will He continue to help me and guide me into holiness.  For how could He expect me to learn it on my own?  He knows that without Him we are incapable of anything.  He is not only happy to see me asking for His help, but He is indeed running towards me as I run towards Him, for this is His greatest desire!  That I be one with Him in all things.

Jesus, I accept that I am nothing without You.  Be patient with me, O Lord.  Make me into the servant You have called me to be.

The beginning

I hardly feel authorized to be writing this!  I've been at New Staff Training (NST) for three days and it still catches me off-guard whenever I hear another member of FOCUS refer to me as a missionary.  A Catholic missionary.  Never in my life did I expect to be doing this, but I'm quickly finding out that our God is full of surprises!

My first lesson was not learned in a classroom in the most formal sense of the word -- we won't start NST classes officially until Monday -- but in the best class taught by the greatest Teacher.  I'm a slow learner, and so it took morning holy hours, Mass, Adoration with praise and worship, and finally extra time before Jesus in the tabernacle to recognize today's lesson, which I expect I will continue learning on a deeper level throughout NST and hopefully the rest of my life.  It is simply -- and most profoundly -- this:

God is love, and love is of God.  God delights in me!  One of my favorite lines from Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee is "Jesus, You are my joy, and I, too, am Your joy."  I can do nothing to earn His love.  I don't have to, because He gives it freely.  I read and reread 1 John 4:7-21 tonight.  John has such confidence in the love of God for His people.  No wonder he was called the beloved apostle!  If only we could all realize and believe in that love.

Go, read the fourth chapter of the first letter of John.  See for yourself how great is the love of our sweet Savior.